


Unquiet Thoughts

by seaslugofdoom



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Brotherhood, Child Abuse, Death Eaters, Drama, Family, Family Dynamics, Friendship, Gen, Marauders, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-10 18:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18665860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaslugofdoom/pseuds/seaslugofdoom
Summary: A young Severus Snape finds himself in a house he doesn't want to call home. His parents die leaving him with his only family, the Potters.Severus must deal with his troubled childhood, living at his enemy's house, and being recruited as a Death Eater.Formerly published on FFN as Just Let Me Die





	1. Life? I Prefer Death

**Author's Note:**

> This was a title first published in 2006 originally posted on ffn. As I rewrite it, I am archiving it here.  
> Please note most italics indicate inner dialogue. 
> 
> All characters and copyright belong to J.K. Rowling

"Eighteen." I cried out as a belt hit my soft flesh.  
  
Blood soaked the floor. _I'm going to kill him! Another jolt of pain hit my back, how long was this torture going to last?_  
  
I gritted my teeth and managed to get out, "N-nine...t-teen."

Everything was starting to look hazy.  
  
"I can't hear you boy!" My father’s cruel voice pushed me back into reality.   
  
"Nine-teen, Sir!"  
  
 _I really am going to slaughter that drun...  
  
_ "Agh..." that one felt bad.  
  
"Agh is not a number, it seems you forgot your numbers again, should we starts over?"  
  
 _His speech is so...infuriating._

I managed to catch my breath and stated "No sir, we are on twenty."  
  
"Ten more, boy."  
  
 _I'm not going to live another night, I know it.  
  
_ A meek voice came out from across the dim room. "Tobias?" _Mother don't interfere, I can't see you getting hurt!  
  
_ "What the hell is it woman!" He yelled while still staring at me, his drunken breath and spittle landing on my face.  
  
Mother started to get up from her place in the corner. She barely even spoke the words but somehow father was able to hear her voice.  
  
"Please...he didn't mean to."  
  
Father's face was now getting paler…that meant that he was now really cross. _Can't you see mother I'm doing this for you? Just stay in the corner at least you'll be safe!_ She stood up.  
  
"What are you doing now woman?" He spat out the words.  
  
"Tobias..." She was still so weak. "Please he has learned his mistake."  
  
 _Yeah my mistake was getting caught, by that drunk!  
  
_ He turned and faced her. The blood red belt fell to the ground. _No, I can't let this happen. Not again._ I tried to get my body to move but it stayed there frozen in place. Now he had her by the wrists.   
  
I need to save her but he'll kill me unless...I moved my hand down my leg. When I felt the item in my pocket happiness flooded through me. It was there, but could I bring myself to use it?  
  
 ** _Slap!_  
  
** My mother fell to the ground crying. I couldn't stand it. My hands slowly went down into my pocket. I stared at him, not wanting him to catch me doing the unforgivable. I felt my gaze boring into him but I knew I could not look away. Then I felt it touch my hand. When I had wrapped my fingers around it he suddenly turned.

"What are you doing!" His eyes grew wide. I knew he feared magic.

 I pulled out the wand, letting the feeling of power envelop me.

 "Put that back, or else!"

 "Or else what!" I knew I had the upper hand but never figured I would get smug about it. I stood there taken aback at my reaction, just like he was. I pulled my hand up, but he was too quick. I heard a yell and wondered if it was from me or mother. Darkness pulled me in.

  
The room suddenly took on its shape again, not that there were many shapes to begin with.

 The room was always dark; there was very little light that streamed into the room which made the place seem dead. I stood up, going towards my mirror. It was the only thing in my room that had any value, besides my school items. Everything else here, the half rotten mattress on the floor and the moth infested wardrobe made my cracked mirror seem magnificent.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Normal people usually check to see how good they look to the public view, but I knew I never had a chance with normal people. Greasy hair, thin lips, shallow cheeks, a rather large nose, sallow skin, and the fact that I never smiled might put people off.

 _Yeah that was me Severus Snape, the greasy git._ I sighed knowing it was never going to get better.

 One black eye, a bruised cheek, three missing teeth, a few minor cuts, it wasn't that bad. I evaluated my injuries and figured in a few weeks Madame Pomfrey would be able to fix the teeth. In time the brises and cuts would heal.  
  
I didn't dare myself to look at my back. It was painful, but it was better not to see it. It could have been worse...a lot worse.  
  
I went to the kitchen quickly. My father was most likely in his room complaining about his hangover. As usual I found my mother starting to make breakfast. Time to change my face.  
  


"Good morning mother.” I gave her my usual monotone voice that hid the pain.  
  


"Oh Severus, it's good to see you up." Her voice was hidden also, but I could tell she was glad I was alive, even if my life was hanging by a thread.  
  


"I'm starving woman!" We both jumped hearing the gruff voice.  
  


"Severus why don't you go run some errands. _Mother, you can't save me all the time._  
  


"Hurry up!” came a yell from the table.  
  


"Boy come here!" Well at least if he takes his anger out on me, mother will live another day. I went up to my father who ate greedily.  
  


_You know for a person with very few manners, it seems strange how you always punish me for not adding 'sir' to every sentence._   
  


"Yes father?"  
  


He still didn't take his eyes off his food, and was taking with a full mouth.?  
  


"Eileen tell you to run errands?"  
  


"Yes sir."  
  


"Good, get me medicine, and if you're not back by eleven, you'll wish you'd be dead."  
  


_…But what if I already wish for death?_   
  


I went out of the house as fast as I could. I wanted to run so mother would not have to spend so much time with father, but if I ran my wounds would reopen, and I couldn't have that. I walked at a brisk pace down the hill.  
  


Eyes turned as they saw me. _Why don't you all just stare at the freak!_ Why would they stare at me? They all too lived in the same run-down houses. They had the same tattered clothes. Also, they had the same drunken fathers and husbands. Why was I always so different? Oh yeah…  


* * *

 

Five years ago I  was hauling a large bag of groceries up the hill. For most kids my age it would have been a feat, but even though I had a small frame it was a task I was used to. Suddenly a very tall old man stopped in front of me. He wore long purple robes, not tattered, they even looked fairly new. He looked over ninety, but he was still so strong. His blue eyes danced with youth. Strange why is he wearing clothing like that, and if he had money to spend on clothes what would he be doing here?  
  


"Mr. Snape?"  
  


I froze. _How in the world did he know me?_  
  


"Y...yes s...sir?"  
  


"Oh good I finally found you, you see I have been trying to send you letters all week, and it seems you haven't received them yet."  
  


"Well sir..." He was really starting to get me nervous. "I haven't been allowed outside, my father is the only one that goes outdoors, but only to work or go to the pub."  
  


"That's too bad" He reached inside his robes.  
  


"P...please sir I didn't mean to..."  
  


A lollipop came out.  
  


"Would you like a sweet, Mr. Snape?"  
  


_Yes, oh god yes._   
  


"I'm sorry sir, I can not accept anything from a stranger."  
  


He gave me a look mother had given me…a smile? There was nothing to smile about here.  
  


"How terribly rude of me, my name is Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."  
  


He extended his hand. Maybe he was from this area, he seemed to hallucinate just like all the other drunks.  
  


"It is a pleasure Mr. Dumbledore." I shook his hand frightened what he would do if I refused.  
  


"So then Mr. Snape will you be attending?" Surely another drunk, might as well play along or else he might get angry.  
  


"Attend what sir?"  
  


His eyes twinkled. "Why Hogwarts of course, my boy!"  
  


"Sorry sir, but my family, doesn't have the money to have me attend."  
  


"Your mother is Eileen Snape am I right."  
  


Now this was getting to get strange.  
  


"Yes sir, do you know her?"  
  


I was now at our front door. The man was rambling about this 'wizarding world'. When I opened the door he stood there like he was waiting for me to invite him in.  
  


"Just wait here, sir." No matter what I would be polite, even if he was stark mad.  
  


I went inside and noticed that mother was getting dinner ready.  
  


She gave me a sidelong glance. "What took you so long, if your father knew..."  
  


I dropped the bag in the kitchen and quickly explained. "Mother there's a strange man, by the name of Albus..."  
  


"Albus is here?" _She actually did know him!?_  
  


She exitedly turned off the gas and rushed to the door. I coudln’t remember the last time she seemed this happy.  
  


"Professor Dumbledore." She clasped hands with the old man. Her bright smile a contrast to the dreary surroundings.  
  


"Eileen, I'm so glad to see you are well."  
  


My mother motioned for me and said “Severus come here."  
  


I went back to the threshold hesitantly.  
  


"Do you know who this man is?" my mother asked me.  
  


"He says he Albus Dumbledore, headmaster..." she cut in.  
  


"Professor you are now the headmaster, congratulations!" I had never seen my mother so happy before. I would ask questions later if talking to a lunatic made her glad I would give her this rarity of happiness. Dumbledore turned to me.  
  


"Severus do you know you are not an ordinary child?''  
  


 _Yes, I'm a freak, get on with it._ I nodded.  
  


"You are not ordinary, because you are a wizard…  


* * *

 

I found myself standing in front of the grocery store. _Why did I have to daydream all the time?_  
  


I started to pick up my pace realizing that if I walked too slow that I may come home late. I couldn't afford to see mother get hurt again. I opened the door to the shop quickly. Nobody else was in the small store, so I went up to the cashier.  
  


"Excuse me sir?"  
  


The teenager around my age, turned around a bored expression on his face.  
  


"Do you have the time?"  
  


He looked at his watch, "Uh, yeah...it's ten fifteen."  
 

Maybe I was going to live through today. I said my thanks and grabbed the items we needed from the store. I quickly paid him and left.  
  


I ran up the street. Everyone was outside and talking to each other. _What had happened?_ I couldn’t remember if this was a holiday.   
  


I went on the sidewalk. Everyone stared at me, but it seemed they looked at me with sympathy and pity. Pity was something I could not stand. I went up to the only person I could trust with information, Mrs. Gerald. She was a kind elerderly woman who lived a few blocks. I tried to help her when I had the time.  
  


"Mrs. Gerald, excuse me but what happened?"  
  


The elderly lady's eyes shot open recognizing my voice.  
  


"You mean you haven't heard yet?"  
  


Why would I be asking you if I haven't heard!  
  


"No."  
  


"Your parents house caught fire. Your parents...they died.”


	2. Hope? Is Meaningless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All characters and copyright belong to J.K. Rowling

I dropped the groceries and ran to the house. Half the building was burned and ash was in the air. Tears were starting to form but never came. Was it my fault that she died? Why didn't I hear the truck?  


Oh, I almost forgot I was daydreaming.  


It was all my fault then.   


I stood in front of the house, numb and oblivious to the world around me. Then my silence was interrupted. A kind looking fireman went up to me. Reality starting to come slowly back, I knew I had to be careful. Who would know what he would ask.  


"Hey kid, go home, there's nothing to see here."  


I almost yelled, but knew it would get me nowhere. I must always remember to keep a straight face, then pity would never come.  


"This is- well was my home." I said emotionlessly.  


He looked at me with sad eyes. I glared at the man. He eyes looked like they were going to flow with tears any second.  


"Oh, sorry, if there's anything I can do..."  


He pat my shoulder. I flinched at the feeling. Not even mother had the courage to touch me with father being so near.  


"Hey I know how you feel, my dad died when I was a kid."  


If my father had died I would have rejoiced, but now my mother's gone to. I thought carefully about what I should say next, but all that came out was "What happened?"  


"It’s these old buildings. One misplaced smoke or flame and everything just catches on fire so fast. We couldn’t make it in time.”   


It had finally sunk in. I was alone, no mother, no father, no relatives, no friends. The fireman looked sadly, but then his face lit up. "You want to stay at my house tonight?"  


I thought the idea was preposterous, but I wanted to.   


"No, I’ll be fine sir.”   


"Are you sure, do you have a friends house to go to?"  


No.  


"Yes, I'm just going to look through the house, maybe I can save something." I started to walk away in a daze trying to piece together how this could have happened.   


"Sure thing kid, I understand, be careful though."  


I couldn't stay with him. I had only one place to go to and that was Hogwarts. James Potter and his gang would beat me up almost everyday, but I craved for knowledge, and the chance to change my dim future. If I passed high at Hogwarts, I could become a potion master. I would finally be able, to get recognition in the world.  


Being sent to an orphanage I would get a small chance of ever changing my life. It would always remain the same. I needed to get out of this hell. After all the firemen had left, I had answered the authorities questions on my whereabouts, and where they would pick me up in the morning. Why they would think I had friends is beyond me, but at least it got away from me. Without looking back I quickly headed off into the woods.  


I had come here often when I was in trouble. I knew the woods well, and even though it was night I was not afraid, father could always be scarier. I went to a clearing, that I had always favored. I would worry about everything in the morning, for now needed to rest.

I felt something go into my flesh. _What did I do now?_ My eyes opened. All I saw were trees, my father wasn't here.  


Oh yeah...last night...father...mother…  


"Ow" Something bit into my flesh again.  


It was an owl. Attached to it's leg was a letter. The Wizarding world used owls to deliver letters, I had only received letters from Hogwarts. Who would want to write to me anyway?   


"Hey, is that letter from Hogwarts?" The bird hooted happily. It was a plucky little thing. I slid the letter off its leg and read it.  


_Severus,_

I heard what happened. Please do not go with the muggle authorities. The owl will lead to a portkey. I will explain later. Albus Dumbledore.  


I shouldn’t have been surprised that Dumbledore would know everything. When I had tucked the letter into my pocket, I realized it was still early morning. I put my hand into the other pocket searching for my wand. It was gone. Now I was helpless, my only hope was to follow that owl.  


The owl had finally swooped down when we reached a stream. The owl was flying over something. I ran to it. It was a old shoe. I knew this had to be it. I grabbed a hold of it. Suddenly I was flying fast. I felt my stomach twisting, but since I had nothing in it, I didn't throw up. Finally, I fell face first right at Dumbledore's feet.  


"Severus are you alright?"  


He bent down to pick me up. He seemed like the only one, besides my mother to care for me. I never wanted to make him disappointed in me. I looked around and it seemed like we were in an office, but not one at Hogwarts. Maybe this was some type of administration building?   


"Yes sir."  


I picked myself up waiting for him to continue.  


"I am really sorry for what happened, if there was anything I could have done, you know I would have stopped the accident.  


"Yes sir."   


He looked at me with the same sad eyes that the fireman had. "Severus are you sure you are alright, how about a piece of candy."  


_Why was he always trying to be so nice?_ "No thank you."  


"You may want to sit down."  


I sat in a chair right in front of him.  


He rifled through he drawers and pulled out a package of candy. "How about some chocolate, you seem hungry?"  


I was starving, as I hadn’t eaten for almost two days. My hands twitched as I reached for the delicacy.   


"If you insist sir."  


I took a piece of the chocolate. I let it melt in my mouth savoring every second of it. You could never tell when the next meal is coming.  


I looked to the headmaster. He looked at me, for the first time his eyes were not twinkling. Did I really seem that desperate to eat?  


"Severus do you know why your here?"  


"You said you would explain later, sir."   


He seemed to remember his train of thought. "Oh yes, now let me clarify. You know you need a guardian."  


I sighed "Yes, until I am seventeen years."  


Thankfully I'm fifteen, just two more years.  


"Correct, so do you know of any family members?"  


From what I knew my family, consists of a bunch of alcoholics, who all met young deaths. I was surprised my father never had a drunken accident at one of the factories.

"No I do not believe there are any left."  


"That is what I thought as I was looking at your paperwork, but then we saw a name that came from your great-great, grandmother. Her name was Victoria Potter."  


I stood there in disbelief. Potter...That was the name of my nemesis, my rival, the boy that I had hated most in the world, well second compared to my father. He was the substitute for him. He beat me up almost as well as father. Potter always chose a good spot too. A place where everyone could see 'Snivellus' being tortured for existing. There was no way that I would stay with him, and his family was probably just as sadistic as he was.   


"I'd rather go to the orphanage," I said in an almost whisper not believing myself.  


"Severus, you'll only stay with them during the summer months. I talked to Mr. Potter, and he has said he would pay for your schooling, books, and everything else you need."  


Now I really was at a loss. I had attended Hogwarts getting loans for my robes and materials. Hopefully being able to pay them back when I secured in a good position after school. The thought of being financially debt free had tempted me, but I knew it could never happen.  


"You mean there is no other choice?"  


"I'm am sorry, it is either this or the orphanage, and there you will not be able to complete your education here, do not worry there is still hope left."  


Hope? I had lost the meaning of that word.

As Dumbledore was finishing up paperwork I was still trying to comprehend what was happening. So now I was going to live with the Potters. My parents were dead. I was alone.   


Dumbledore escorted me up the pathway humming a tune.  I was really glad he was with me. Maybe if he had to talk to Potter's father I would not be dead by nightfall. I turned and faced my new home, trying not to gawk like an idiot at the huge gate. Once we went up to it the doors opened leading to a beautiful courtyard. The manor itself seemed like a haven. It was five stories tall, clean white, and plants hung at the edges of the balcony.   


My eyes were looking around in wonder, until I saw an older looking Potter coming out of the house, followed by the young one. Suddenly my foolish thinking evaporated. This place was my prison, well more of a torture chamber. I was in enemy territory without a wand. Mercy wouldn't be granted.  


"Ah Mr. Potter it is great to speak with you again."

 

Dumbledore hugged the aging man. Mr. Potter wasn't what I had expected. He looked around sixty, had the same hair, face, and even glasses as James, but there was for sure a strength there much like Dumbledore had.  


Great, he was sure to give stronger blows.  


For a second I looked at his hazel eyes and then quickly looked to the ground. In a mild tone he asked "And you must be Severus Snape?"  


I demurely said "Yes sir." I must show that I will obey him…in hopes he won't try to break me.  


"It is a pleasure to have you here." He seemed kind, but that was probally because Dumbledore was here.  


"Thank you sir."  


Mr. Potter turned and looked at his old friend. "Now Albus, I want to show you something new in the backyard."  


He put his arm around Dumbledore's shoulder. Mr. Potter was about to go off with Dumbledore then turned to his son.  


"Oh yeah, James could you show Severus around."  


James stood there looking bored. So, James acts the same way at school as he does at home?  


"Whatever, I have nothing else to do."  


Did Dumbledore realize what was happening? Well if they found me dead it would serve him right...stop thinking like that! Potter walked up to me. I stepped back.

"Hey Snivellus."

"Hello Potter."

 


	3. Family? Something I don't have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All characters and copyright belong to J.K. Rowling

“So...you...this is so awkward.” James finally said. He ruffled his hair.

Not wanting to aggravate him I stayed silent. Instead, I meekly followed as he led me to the immense house. If I had thought the outside looked impressive it couldn’t compare to the ornate grandeur that was the main house. I didn’t think places like this existed. We were greeted by a pristine entryway with two staircases. Artworks decorated the wall. I followed Potter as he headed toward the main hall.  

"So this is the main entrance, I guess." He said in a bored tone.

I was afraid my mouth hung open, so I gave him a glare to get my face emotionless. He continued to ignore looking at me. He had shown me the dining room, sitting room, music room, and all the other rooms wealthy people had.

He pointed up the stairs. "The bedrooms are upstairs, nothing else indoors. Well, there’s also a library and my dad’s office, but I’m hungry now so those can wait.”

Once he mentioned he was hungry my stomach gave a low growl. I hoped he didn’t hear it. Food was sounding better than books at this moment.

"I think this house used to have a bunch of servants or something so there's a bunch of these hidden doors.” He then pressed his hands against a wall and I looked as it was a small door. He went through and I saw the bare walls that servants from a long time ago would have used. The bare walls and old smell reminded me of my old house.  

We arrived in a kitchen where house elves were busily working. From what I understood house elves are the slaves to wealthy wizarding families, bound to them. I looked closely at them, they were small, had humongous eyes, and weird bat-like ears.

James went up to the closest one giving it a smile. I couldn't really tell if they were male or female.

In a high-pitched voice, the small creature looked up at James. "Hello Master Potter, what can I get you?"

"Hey Twilly, I just want a sandwich.”

Twilly, the house elf then turned to me. "What do you want, young Master?"

_What do I want?_ I had never been offered this choice at home before, usually mother would give me father's leftovers. I would try to share with her, but she always refused.

"W...What...can I have?" I asked.

"I don't know what we have ask Twilly." James was already heading out of the kitchen, his requested sandwich in hand. He would eat his sandwich outside, and to meet him there when I was ready. Well if he was going to torture me now, I should eat something light.

"Twilly, what can I have to eat?" I was nervous, even if Twilly was a house elf, she was probably more cherished here than me.

The house elf looked confused. "Excuse me for asking but are you the Young Master who will live here?"

I confirmed, saying "Yes, my name is Severus."

"Master Severus."

"I...I don't think you should put Master in front of Severus, I am more like you than them." I was not comfortable with the title and did not know what exactly the Potter’s wanted of me. I would not be presumptuous until what they wanted was more clear.

Twilly looked confused.

"Oh but I thoughts you were a wizard are you not?"

I sighed, "I am a wizard, but I don't even have a wand." Along with the house and my parents, my wand also burned. I hated the feeling of helplessness without it.

The small elf looked surprised. "Well Master Potter is waiting for you, what would like to eat?"

"I don’t think I should eat." I said emotionlessly. I knew my stomach was hating me for depriving myself of another meal, but it would be even more painful if I threw all that food back up after my meeting with Potter.

I ran outside and saw Potter sitting on his broom, hovering a few feet in the air. He looked up at me balancing easily on the broom.

"Oh hey Snivellus, want a ride?” He asked. While we had to learn how to ride a broom at Hogwarts I was never any good. Most kids, like Potter, probably rode a broom before coming to school or they were able to practice over the summer.

"No thank you." I said. I didn’t want to upset him.

He shrugged and said, "Dad says dinner's at five." Potter then flew off leaving me alone on the field. I went back into the house deciding that if Mr. Potter told me the time dinner would be served, I was expected to help make it. Well, at least I knew some of the expectations now.

* * *

 

I went back into the kitchen. Twilly was busy along with the other elves. I tapped her shoulder.

"Oh, hello mas...Severus, is there anything you need?"

"I'm here to assist you in making dinner." I said evenly as the house elves stared at me. However, they were busy with their work and quickly went back as I tried to assist in any way possible. I was more of a nuisance than a help. I wondered why they would want me to help with this task seeing as there were more capable beings, but I wouldn’t question my new guardians.

I helped them prepare a three-course meal, that had a light salad, pasta and bread, and a small pie for dessert. Usually, at home the only food we had was stale bread, beans, and if we were lucky some off-cut meat. Smelling the food was almost as good as being allowed to eat it.

It was now four-fifty. I was putting the plates on the table when James walked in. He held his stomach saying  "Dinner smells great, huh Snivelly?"

I ignored the old nickname and said "Thank you."

He looked at me quizzically, but then sat down.  

His father came into the room. I looked around nervously, not knowing where my new patriarch would want me to go. Upstairs? The kitchen?

"James, could you go tell your mother we're about to start dinner."

"Sure." James ran upstairs.

For the first time I was in a room alone with Mr. Potter. He went over to the table and sat down. I was still standing unsure and too afraid to move.

He asked nonchalantly, "Severus, do you like it here?"

Why was he asking this? I figured he was probably testing my reactions. I said, "It is very pleasant sir, I thank you for your hospitality."

His eyes shot up and looked at me, after a couple of seconds they lowered.

"Monty."

"Excuse me, sir?"

"My name is Fleamont, but I prefer Monty, unless you want to call me dad?"

_How was I supposed to react to this?_ Father would beat me for such incompetence, but not saying his name would be disobedience. The silence was answered by two figures running down the hall. James jumped back to his seat.

The woman who followed him was small, had blond hair with a couple of grey strands, she had a face that looked so content, her blue eyes twinkled as much as Dumbledore, and her smile seemed contagious, almost.

Her voice was lyrical but soft, "You must be Severus, James said he knew you from school."

"Yes ma'am"

She looked at me thoughtfully and then sat down. "I'm so sorry what happened, let me know if I can help you with anything."

They were already giving me shelter and apparently paying for my school. I coudln’t ask for anything more than that. "Thank you ma'am."

She frowned. "Oh it's..."

Mr. Potter interrupted us.

"We were just having this conversation isn't that right Severus?"

"Yes…" _What do I call him?_ "…Mr. Potter." He seemed satisfied with that and started to reach for a bread roll. He then looked at the table settings and he had a cross look on his face.

_Was there something not to his liking?_ It was my first day here, surely he would forgive slight mistake if I wasn’t told what to do. I asked, "Is there anything wrong sir?" _Sir?_ I mentally kicked myself, he had told not to call him 'sir'. He'll surely beat me for such incompetence.

"Oh, it seems the house elves forgot you were coming, let me just get a plate for you."

I stepped back and asked "Mr. Potter?" I was confused. They may have taken me in, but surely I was not their family. There was no reason for me to eat with them. Even at home I ate late at night when my father was asleep.

"You're hungry aren't you?"

"Yes sir, but..."

He pointed to a chair that was next to James. I knew that I couldn’t refuse, so I sat down next to James who was already stacking food on his plate. I watched as he got up and went to the connecting kitchen grabbing a plate for me. I took the plate surprised. He sat back down and the family started eating the  food. _What was I expected to do?_ At Hogwarts we were allowed to eat our fill, but at home I never really ate. That's how it always was.

"Aren't you hungry Severus?" Mr. Potter asked me.

I picked up a fork, and ate the salad. I realized that James was staring at me. I looked over and gave him a glare.  I shouldn't have done that! "Sorry" I lowered my gaze.

He gave a small gasp and I looked at him. _Was saying sorry really that perplexing._ Oh yeah, I had said it.

I turned my attention back on the food. I really tried to eat like a civilized person, but every bite tasted like heaven. Maybe that's why I was never allowed at the table at home. I knew they were staring at the way that I treated every scrap like the most precious thing, but I was so hungry, maybe I would be able to finish my maybe…a whole meal…I couldn't believe it…

After everyone finished, I started collecting the plates.

Mr. Potter got up saying, "Don’t worry the house elves will take care of it. I have to take a floo call real quick. Can I meet you and James in the garden in a few minutes?”  

"Dad" Potter moaned, he was such an ungrateful brat, but maybe he didn't want to go outside because he knew something bad was going to happen. I was now really frightened.

"C'mon can't we talk in the morin''?" James groaned.

"No James, now meet me on the bench by the garden.

James sullenly led me to a bench inside the garden. I put my head down hiding my face with my long hair. I gazed at all the plants through my greasy hair. My mother once said I was like a plant…that was kept in the dark for too long. These plants had plenty of sunshine like Potter. He was always held up in the sun, the favorite of all the teachers and a great Quidditch player, he was always so perfect.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard James ask "So Snivelly you like plants?"

_Just tell the truth._ "I usually take no interest in plants, but it is just so good to see color, after so much darkness."

He looked at me strangely.

I tried to explain "My house, it wasn't the nicest place to live..." That was the biggest understatement, I had ever said. "It was always so dark, cold, blo..." _Was I just about to mention all the bloodshed?_ "...bleak." I said weakly.

Unexpectedly James pat my shoulder. The welts on my back yelped in agony.

"Hey it's gonna be fine now."

Fine for you!

Mr. Potter came running down the hill. I stood up, while James laid down on the bench. How rebellious is he planning to be?

"Hey boys."

"Hello, Mr. Potter." I mumbled to the ground, my face still hiding.

He stared at me for a second, then seemed to forget about it.

"It seems there is a predicament at work, I have to leave tonight. Also, your mother is coming with me."

"What!" James and I both yelled in unison.

Potter whined, "Dad, you can't leave me here with him!" For once I had agreed with James.

"I see why not, you two are now brothers, so this will be a great bonding experience."

I tried to bring myself enough courage to speak, but I had found none.

"Well then if you two have nothing else to say, I'll be leaving in an hour.”

Once Mr. Potter and Mrs. Potter left I felt my heart racing. I didn't have a wand, I was lost without Potter in the huge manor, and the fact that Potter and I were in the same house petrified me. My enemy went upstairs. I stayed in the family room where the adults had said there goodbyes.

I knew in a few minutes their son would come down here, and torment me all night. I waited for the ordeal, not wanting to be caught off guard, not that it really mattered anymore. I still did not want to seem scared in front of Potter. I waited until it was two. Now the fire burned out. The fire had burned out. I laid down on the cold floor, it was better than outside. Then I surrendered myself to sleep.

 


	4. Home? I don't have one

I groggily turned as I felt someone shaking me.  _Did I sleep in late?_   _Father is going to ski-_  I stopped my train of thought when I realized he was dead. I opened my eyes and my enemy, James Potter, was standing over me.

He grinned, which did not put me at ease. "Awake Snivelly?"

_The torture session was going to begin, oh joy._

Maybe if I told him I didn't have a wand he would at least let tell me what spell he was going to use. "Please, I don't even have..."

He abruptly cut me off. "Why did you sleep here last night?"

I didn't understand. Last night I fell asleep tensely waiting for Potter to do something now that his parents had to leave. Maybe I wasn't allowed to sleep here, there was a nice fireplace after all. I said I don't understand." 

He now seemed irritated, which was not what I wanted to do. He pointed to the floor, "Why did you sleep here last night?" He slowly said the words as if he was speaking to a child. 

With my head bowed I said "You never showed me to a room." 

Potter looked like he was getting impatient. He moved his hands through his hair. "Well, why didn't you just wake me up?"

I stammered "I-I didn't know." 

He then headed out of the room, apparently wanting me to follow him. "C'mon get your stuff, and I'll show you your room."

I jumped up quickly and grabbed my robe.

He looked around the room for something. "Hurry up, where's your trunk?"

I never had much, but the fire had burned everything. Including my schoolbooks. I stated "I don't have any possessions." At least it kept me from reliving memories.

His smile faded. "You could have borrowed my pajama's or something."

I hated acting so meek, but I said "Thank you, but I'm fine." I didn't have a wand or anything to gain the upper hand here. 

I followed him upstairs and we passed pictures of ancestors. Some waved and others were talking to each other. Potter was lucky, he had a lineage that he could be proud of, and what was I stuck with? Sure we were family but we came from very different worlds and lines.

Finally, we reached the end of the hallway. He opened the door, and I faced a room. It had a simple queen-sized bed, a large window overlooking the garden, a large desk, a wardrobe, and a full view mirror. He pushed me forward.

"Well here's your room."

"I...I don't understand..." The room was bigger than the whole living space at my previous house. 

"Yeah there's not many decorations, but you can buy new furniture if you want."

_Don't be sarcastic, don't be sarcastic._  "I don't have money you..."  _Shut up, shut up!_

"Oh yeah dad told me to give this to you." He handed me a sack.  _Should I take it?_  I licked my lips involuntarily.

He looked at me strangely. "Just open it."

This was an order. I took it from his hands expecting some bodily change happening to me. I closed my eyes getting ready for the pain.

I opened my eyes and looked at Ja...Potter. He looked at me like I was some sort of lunatic.

"Why don't you just open it?" I reached my hand into the bag. I felt something solid, well there were many things, and they were shaped like coins. I looked in the bag. It was a small fortune!

"Wha...what is..." I handed the bag back to him. I had never seen that much money in my life. Did he steal it from his father? 

"What's wrong? Are you going to need more?" 

_Is this some kind of joke!_

I couldn't stand it anymore. What sadistic game was Potter playing at? He backed away from me. At least if he thought I was crazy, he would stay away. 

"Well I think you have enough. They left some money to get new clothes and whatever you need at Diagon Alley. We can floo there without them." 

My head was in a daze. New clothes? "Floo?" I asked. 

I followed him as we headed back to the fireplace where I slept. "Yeah floo do you have something against it?"

I had heard about the floo system, but since my father was muggle he would never entertain the idea of using wizarding transportation. "My family never went to many places I never used the Floo System."

He grinned. I hated that smile it always seemed so innocent. "Just grab some of this floo powder, and say Diagon Alley in the fireplace."

Potter went to the fireplace and after saying "Diagon Alley" he was gone. I knew I had to follow, but my whole body was shaking. What if this was a trick? I went up to the fireplace.

"D...Diagon...Alley." A blue fire engulfed me, and my stomach felt like it was going to explode. It was a good thing I didn't eat breakfast. Suddenly I was falling. I fell into a very old looking fireplace. I stood up and looked around. I was in a shop, but it looked like the strangest shop I had ever seen. There were skulls and other dark magical items around. I turned around a corner trying to get out.

"Hey kid, what are you doing here?"

I turned around and saw a tall mall with a demeanor similar to my fathers. I couldn't help, but to stammer. "I-I-I'm sor-"

"Shud up, and get the hell out of here, fore' I make you get out." He had a gruff voice that filled the small room. 

"Yes sir"

I backed up towards the door. Then his eyes widened. All I was holding was a bag that now that I was thinking clearly was looked like it was filled with coins. 

"Oh sorry bout' yelling at you earlier, jus' kids come here and shoplift. Hey I know we have some new products, wanna see em'?"

I just wanted to get out of here. Reluctantly I said, "That would be great sir." I went towards the desk.

"Sorry for calling you a kid, you must be around fourteen or fifteen?" He was all of a sudden friendly. 

"Fifteen sir." 

"You must be shopping 'fore Hogwarts starts. You must be in Slytherin then?" 

My eyes shot up "How did you know?"

He gave a dry laught.  _What did I say now?_  "Nobody but a Slytherin would come to this shop, well maybe a Gryffindor, but their ideals wouldn't let them come to this side of town."

I felt a pit in my gut realizing I may not be in Diagon Alley. All my school items were handed down from discarded items left behind by past students, as my parents wouldn't have money for me to spend on new school supplies. 

He was under the desk now searching for something. "Ah here it is." He popped back up with a small box. "This box has great things for school, let's see here's a device that can tell when a teacher's going to call on you." He pulled up other random items but then a piece of paper caught my eyes.

"What's that?"

His eyes lit up when he was the old paper I was pointing at. "I always forget about that thing, it dates back from the Witch Trials, it can tell if a person is a pureblood, half-blood, or muggle. The Wizard's used this, for some of the half-bloods ratted them out, and the muggles gave them money. Want me to demonstrate?" I nervously shook, and couldn't get myself to act normal. 

"I know it does look bad." He had a knife in his hand and put a couple of drops of blood on the paper."

The print suddenly read pureblood. He grabbed my hand.

I tried to pull my hand away.

"I just going to show you where the blood has to go." He poked my finger with the knife. The blood dripped down onto the paper. Slowly, instead of becoming black, it turned bright red, like my face was at this point.

"Wait a second." He glared at me.

"You're a half-blood?" He came from behind the counter and grabbed my shirt.

"I asked if you were a half-blood!"

Tears were coming down, this man reminded me so much of my father.

"Yes Sir."

"GET OUT!" Just by saying that I would have run for my life, but he grabbed my wrists and flung me out. My back filled with pain. The wounds reopened leaving a mess all over the ground.

"Get out of here you filthy mud-blood, fore' I finish the job!"

Though my back was stinging and was now probably infected I ran crying down the street, all the wizards looking at me. I looked around, but I had nowhere to go. I sat in a corner. Maybe I could die here, then the pain would go away. Why was I always fighting to live, it always got worse the more I fought. Should I just let death take me away? Everything became blurry. My mind felt like it just got shaken around. What's the point of living anymore?


	5. Freak? So what if I am one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All characters and copyright belong to J.K. Rowling

"Master Snape." I hard a shrill voice and something was poking my side. "Master Snape?"

I heard a voice that was familiar, but I couldn't make it out. "Try Severus, Winn." Was that Twilly? Was I back at the manor?

"Severus?"

I pulled my body up wanting the voices to stop. I was starting to get a headache. "Would you stop poking me." My voice was hoarse and I felt something tearing, and then pain again.

"Mas...Severus please try not moving. Your wounds reopened again."

I looked at my back and sure enough, blood was dripping all over the bed. Out loud I said, "Mr. Potter's going to kill me."

The two house elves looked at me confused. "Why would that be, he is always nice with us?"

I shouldn't have said things out loud. I tried to explain, "My father almost killed me for something less than that, and Mr. Potter probably would too."

The door suddenly swung open and Potter walked in boldly. "Hey Sni...Snape." He smiled at me.

Did Potter deliberately send me to that place? What should I say? If I said something too nice he would be suspicious, but if I said something too nasty he wouldn't take that well. He might take advantage of my weakened state or just have his father finish me off. 

"Why did you go to Knockturn Alley?" He asked again full of innocence.

So that's what it was called. "You mean you didn't send me there on purpose, if you did I misinterpreted your cunning." Just stop now. "I didn't think a Gryffindor had it in him let someone else do their dirty work, maybe you would have made a great Slytherin." I gave him a cool glare, not wanting him to see my weakness. 

He crossed his arms, "So Snivellus is back, your always laying the blame on someone else. I'm sure you must be so proud. You are actually living up to your name."

If my back wasn't in such pain I'm sure we would have been already fighting. I continued to glare at him. 

He mocked me "When I had finally found you a lady said you were running down the street crying."

I tried to push myself up, but the blood started flowing again.

All of a sudden his glare faded, "Don't get up you'll ruin the sheets."

I was already incensed and couldn't help but scream even though my throat hurt. "Why should you care, why don't you just let me die, but no you had to take me here and let me bleed to death!" He pushed me down. "Get on with it, I don't care anymore, at least I'll be with my mother!"

He pressed me down harder. "You need sleep, you're talking all crazy. Just lay down or I'll find some way to immobilize you." 

I don't know why, but I did lay down subdued. My stomach was completely empty, my back stung, and my body felt like it was on fire. Potter then left and Twilly popped up in front of me. "I saws your marks you be bad, Twilly not bad so Twilly no gets marks you be bad?" I guess Twilly now realized I was more like her than she thought.

"I tried not to be bad Twilly."

She nodded her head in agreement, then she grabbed a plate from the table."It's fine now, you hungry?" Twillly brought a bowl of hearty beef soup, and fed it to me.

"Twilly you have to go slower, I'll be more full that way." I bit down slowly again savoring each bite.

Potter came in the door and stared at me being fed like a child. I thought he would make fun of me, but simply said "Good you're eating. My dad's on the way." 

No not that!

I nearly spit the soup and sputtered "I...I'm fine there's no need for that." I lifted the sheets off of me. "See it's fine." My back protested, but I did not want Mr. Potter to come. He seemed nice, but I had never seen him in a bad mood. A wound opened a little leaving a trail of blood.

"Sure it looks just fine."

Great he could be sarcastic. "Please I have gone through worse beatings, this one looks bad but at least..." I shouldn't have said that.

His eyes widened. "Beatings?"

I was surprised he had never received any considering his manners and inability to follow the rules. Perhaps that's why he disregarded so many of the rules at the school. I then heard loud steps coming towards the room. Please, just let him finish me or at least let me black out. 

The door burst open, Mr. and Mrs. Potter quickly ran to the bed. Mrs. Potter tried to hold my hand, but I reflexively pulled my hand away. "Oh, dear are you alright." 

I then stared at Mr. Potter, who knelt down near my head. "So James told me you got in trouble, let me see your back."

I obediently turned over. Was he going to hit it? If father knew something hurt me he couldn't wait to make it worse. I turned over, afraid of what was going to happen next. He carefully put his hand on my back. "Does this hurt?" He whispered. I shook my head. He moved a hand down my back. I knew it was going to come now. I was starting to choke on my tears. "P...Plea...please..." There was no point, it was going to be painful. 

"It's fine now Severus relax."

The tears were slowly stopping.

"Now I'm going to put a potion on you, it will get rid of the pain."

"No...no potion Father..." Father will kill me, he hated anything magical.

"Don't worry, your father is gone child." I heard Mr. Potter's voice. 

"I'm not a child..." I whispered.

"Your right, just relax." With the help of Mrs. Potter they spread the potion all over my back Maybe this thing feeling is called love?

I fell asleep, too exhausted from my tears and pain. 

"Hey sleepyhead" Potter's voice seemed to never get out of my head.

I kept my eyes closed not wanting to see him again, but stated "Is that you or am I in another nightmare." 

"You're back!"

I hid my emotions through a sneer. "What do you mean I'm back?"

I opened my eyes and pulled myself out of the covers. If he was going to bother me, I wasn't going to get rest anyway. 

"For the first couple of days, you seemed...not yourself." 

Does he like me as a vindictive, cold, loner? Usually, I thought out my words, but I couldn't help but fumble. "Well you scar...I was afraid...I'm st..Ja…Potter just leave me alone!"

He grinned at me. I laid back down on the bed hiding my face. I must not have noticed him leave, because I realized I was in the room all alone. Well, at least I could never overdo beauty sleep.

I pulled the blanket off my head, wait my back was not in pain! I went to the mirror. The wounds were gone only leaving scars. I was also incredibly hungry. When was the last time I had eaten? Maybe I could get something from the house elves. I quietly went downstairs, making my presence unknown. I was quite good at that. In the kitchens the house elves greeted me.

Then Twilly ran up to me excitement clear in her voice "Severus, Twilly is so happy to see you!"

"Thanks, Twilly, do you think, maybe" I was nervous asking for food and quickly spat out. "Can I have some food?" 

"I do not understand you Severus, what did you need?"

Why should I be afraid of a house elf? Besides she seemed caring.

"I'm sorry, can I please have some food Twilly."

Twilly smiled and quickly got me some more soup, but this time with some toast. Between bites, I asked "So how long have I been out?"

She responded, "Just a week, but everyday Master gets more worried..." She jumped up "Oh your up, I must tell Master!" She ran out of the room before I could stop her. 

I stopped eating, dread starting to grow in my stomach. 

"Hey Snape." Potter's voice came out of nowhere. 

A chill ran through my back. I never saw him enter, how did he get in there?

I curtly replied "Potter."

"Not a morning' person?" He grabbed an apple. "Hey you want to play outdoors, you know you need some air."

I took the plate to the large sink and quickly washed it. I didn't know where the towels were, maybe the elves magically washed and dried them? "I think I have enough air standing next to you too bad it's all hot."

He shrugged his shoulders and said "suit yourself" before leaving the kitchen. 

I walked back to my room. At least here I was forgotten. Stupid Potter, what was he playing at? Maybe he was being nice because his father was here. I went to the connecting bathroom and made sure my wounds were clean. I was always careful of that, as I could never nick enough potions to tide me over the summer to keep my wounds clean. 

Wrapping a towel around my waist I went back to the room to put my clothes on, but they were gone. Potter! I went to the door. But then I was a hanger with items hanging on it. There was a long-sleeved white shirt, a grey vest, dress pants, a tie, a belt, new clean underwear, and socks! Surely they were for me, but it was hard to process. I felt the shirt and the quality was like nothing I had worn. It was amazing, I always had worn old, itchy, clothing. I took a look in the mirror. Was this me? I was still the skinny, greasy git, but now at least I looked healthy. When I walked I did not even twitch in pain! I can't wait until school, bollocks, I forgot about the summer homework. 

I went upstairs, looking for the library. I did not have any books or school supplies, but at least I might be able to find something there. Now I think it's the third door to the left. I opened the door and was greeted by the sight of Mr. Potter. He was sitting behind a beautiful oak desk with books and papers spread around him. I realized I had walked in on his private study. 

"Can I help you, Severus?" His eyes twinkled like Dumbledore's, but still, I knew he couldn't be trusted.

"I am sorry sir, I was just...I am truly sorry, please I will not bother you again." I started to grab the handle panicking at having disturbed him. 

"Severus stop."

Why did this always happen to me? I instantly froze. 

"What did you need?" Father did this all the time. If I asked for food I would go hungry for three days, if I asked for a blanket I had to sleep outside, I had to think of something quick. After licking my lips I realized it would be best to tell him the truth. "I need a book." I said plainly. 

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?" He came from behind the desk. What was he going to do?

"I'm sorry, I do not need..." two strong hands came upon my shoulders. I bowed my head, hiding my face in my hair.

"Don't worry son" Son?

"I am not your son...I do not deserve..." I bit my lip.

"Well then what am I to you?"

I didn't know what he wanted me to say. Father? No, I wasn't close enough to him for that. I meekly said "L...legal guardian." Please let that be what he wants. 

He just shrugged. I could never get these people. He was now out of the door. "Are you coming?"

I ran to keep up with the man. James was the spitting image of him, which made me reflexively on guard. 

"So what book do you need?"

I almost hung my mouth open as he opened the door to the library. There seemed to be rows upon rows of books. My body itched to be closer, to immerse myself in those books whose pages I found a home. I gave him a blank face not wanting to anger the man who could give me salvation.

"Do you need books for the homework, I wish James would start, but he'll probably be a late bloomer like me." His eyes danced as he thought about his son.

I had never been truly jealous of Potter until this moment. He had friends, all the girls loved him, a huge house, everything he wanted, and he was loved. I knew being loved was just a dream. No matter how hard I tried I would still be the freak. I don't think my father had ever had such joy in his eyes when he saw me. Maybe when I was a baby, he may have loved me. However, I couldn't remember a time when he looked at me within anything but repulsion.


End file.
